am i making the right choice

Friday, December 11th, 2009 Jaison asked me to his girlfriend. I really hope that I'm making the right choice. 'Cause what happen to me last time i will never forget. As well it's hasn't been a month since he found out that Micha was using him for his money. I just really hope I'm not a rebound.

Super Powers

We all have an imagination, and we all think about it. What would it be if we had super powers? The world would be a lot different from what it is right now, that's for sure. But how different? You can do so much good with you powers, you can save lives and make a difference. But you can also do the opposite. Every child wishes they has super powers, they say that want to fly, have super strength or some as crazy as having lasers coming out of their eyes. But there is one that most said, so often that mostly teenagers wish they had. Don't you just want to be able to control time? Because when we control time we basically control everything. We can go to the future, make everything stand still and we can even go back to the past.

Don't you have that one things in your past that you want to take back. You wish you can redo what you did wrong and make it right. So you wish you had the power to go back in time to that exact moment to do things differently. But isn't that another way of saying that you regret of what you did? That you would take it back just so you can be a little happier with your life? But how much happier and at what cost? Because if we take it back, you never know how much of a difference it would have made. Good or bad, we should never take back the lessons we learned from you mistakes. Those lessons are what made you who you are and if you take it back, who knows who you would be right now.

Nobody is this world is perfect. We all make mistakes. Whether it's dealing with you relationship or your family problems,we learn from them. You can't take it back, no matter how much you regret it. All we can do is move on. Nobody can have those cool super powers to make everything easier in life. Because our powers are not meant to be cool or dazzling. Our super powers are different. Our super powers are meant to make us and everyone else happy. When somethings goes wrong, when someone is trouble, you can help. All you need is love. And when you're in trouble, when you want to redo the mistake you regret, all you need is self-acceptance. Forgive yourself, realize your worth and know your limitations.

We're all super heroes, we just need to know how to use your powers properly. Go be a hero.

!@#$%^&*

Ugh! I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and still no one can hear me. I'm done I don't want to cry anymore can't I just be happy because selfish enough for me to say but I DESERVE to be happy!

Why did you have to lie?

You just had to lie to me. When I thought I was able to trust you, but I was wrong. You should of known that I will find out sooner or later. I guess I was right about guys, they're all the same; only thinking of themselves and no one else. But no I'm going to be mature about this situation and not blame it all on you. Because really, it's not all your fault, it's also mine. It's my fault because I was stupid enough to believe all the lies that you have told me. Why couldn't I just listen to my gut feeling, instead of listening to my heart. Every-time I listen to my heart I always get disappointed and heart broken. But I guess I will learn for this situation and not make the same problem again.

Cough Cough =(

I really hate getting sick. It's like one of the worse feelings ever. Being sick mean being stuck at home doing nothing, and I truly don't like that. The days that I plan to go out, I had to be sick. Just Hope I get better before Friday.

Just a Little Poem

You know life doesn't alway go your way
You got to keep your head up each and everyday
When times are rough just do what I do
Follow your heart and keep fighting through
Always believe in you will survive
Never surrender as long as you live
You can overcome anything that comes your way
Just believe in yourself and you'll be okay

And I Love You So

Late last night I wasn't able to sleep for some odd reason. So I decided to watch this Filipino movie that my whole family told me about, it's called "And I Love You So". It's starring Sam Milby as Chris, Gea Alonzo as Lara, and Derek Ramsay as Oliver. My sister said that this movie for sure will make you cry. And knowing me, I cry about everything; I'm such a softy.

Well my sister wasn't lying this time. I cried so much during this movie beginning to the end. The plot of the whole film was so sad. It kinds reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, because after him I felt like I wasn't able to fall in love again. Sam Milby was playing this character named Chris. That character really reminded me of myself when I was with my Ex. I think that was the main reason I was crying.When you watch this movie, you're going to be able to feel the pain that the characters are feeling, and relate it to your own love life.

All I say right now is that this movie was amazing. Plus the actors was so good looking ( Sam Milby is so Hot!). I didn't take my eyes off the screen once during this movie. I'm for sure going to watch this few more times until I get tired of it.

Some cute quotes from the movie
“I don’t want to be second place in your heart, because you’re first place in mine.”
- Sam Milby

“He broke my heart the day his heart stopped beating.” -Gea Alonzo

“I love you. Don’t you get it? I love you. Please let me love you.” -Sam Milby

Dear Little Girl

Dear Little Girl,

I wish I could say I know where you have run off to. If you're chasing your desire among a field of daises or hiding between the thick shrubberies of a forest scared of reality. I wish I can say I did all I could to keep you within me, but somewhere in this journey of becoming the woman that stands before this world, I have lost you. It would be easy for me to claim that you have been taken away from me. Your hand ripped from mine, stolen by the world, punished for your imagination. society yelling blasphemy. but that simply isn't the case. I let you go. I left you behind, among a world that only the strong of hearts can stay. I left you, where I believed you belonged. But who am I without you?

I suppose that's what growing up is all about, the evolution of a human being, where the complexity of knowing takes over simple truths, where summer days spent daydreaming turn into unproductive moments, seen as strikes against the validity of time being used wisely. Wisdom, sought after like riches, where nothing is spared in the desperate desire to drink from its fountain. But who is to say what you know wasn't wise? They say wisdom comes with age, then I should be wiser ten folds, yet I knowing nothing.

There is a void growing in me that isn't with you. A locked door that only you have a key to and beyond this door is where all answers lie and God only knows all I ever wanted are the answers. So Little Girl, tell me what you know that I have yet to learn because surely, I have fallen.

Is it that I sold my soul for a vision that's simply unattainable? Did I settle for what's beneath me, giving the broken pieces of me to those unworthy? Do I make you proud? Am I the product of what you have envisioned me to be? Have I let the dreams stay as frames of you imagination and withheld them from becoming blueprints of the life that I was meant to lead?

Little Girl. where have you run off to? I only pray isn' the places I have been. Your innocent eyes will betray you. You will see, hear , smell, touch your childhood away, morphing from reality into distant memories. I hope you have yet to meet the people I have met. They will only whisper the songs of lewdness in your ear, displacing the sweet lullabies of birds in your head. I hope you have yet to let the people of my past embrace you. They will only taint the pureness of you skin with forgotten desire and rude lust. I can only pray that you have not been cursed to encounter my demons. They will swallow you whole and leave you hallow, robbing you of everything sound in your world.

Little Girl, I'm sorry. I let the harmony of laughter to only float upon the hard pavements of the playground. I ignorantly allowed daydreams to wander aimlessly with nowhere to root itself and blossom. I've succumb to being a dreadful replication of human being a dreadful replication of a human being where the sole rhythm to dance to is the monotonous beat of societal life. The ability to feel has seeped down my body like blood, only to drip onto the cold floors of this world.

Little Girl, I can only patiently wait for you arrival back home to me and I plead that upon our encounter face to face that you are not merely a reflection of me.


"Little Girl, Where Have You Run Off To?"

One Tree Hill

Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I had, I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure.The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past.And recognize that every day won't be sunny.But when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember it's only in the black of night that you can see the stars.And those stars will lead you back home. So, don't be afraid to make mistakes.To stumble and fall. 'Cause, most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most.Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe, you'll get more than you ever could've imagined.Who knows where life will take you. The road is long. And in the end, the journey is the destination.

Ondoy

On September 26, 2009, Typhoon Ketsana (Ondoy), made its way to 25 provinces in the Philippines affecting the lives of hundreds and thousands of people. Ketsana burried homes, cars, valuables, and even took lives. It was horrible enough to call on a "state of calamity" in Manila, allowing emergency funds to be released and help the victims however, it still isn't enough. Our goal is to help those in need, not just our own families but others out there who are unfortunate not to have overseas families to help them out.

Many of our friends and family have been directly affected by this typhoon and i can truthfully say it hits close to home. It hurts having to stand by feeling completly useless when our nation is in need of help. Thanks to this group, we as a community have the chance to make a difference to each family who has lost so much from this overwhelming catastrophy. If you are from the GTA I ask for you to open your hearts to a cause that can help out families who do not have the resources to help themselves. Below is a list of what we accept -

- Food items: Rice, noodles, canned goods, sugar, iodized salt, cooking oil, beans and portable water etc.

- Medicines: Paracetamol, antibiotics, analgesic, oral rehydration salts, multivitamins and medications to treat diarrheal diseases

- Non-food items: Bath soaps, face towels, shampoo, toothbrush, toothpaste, plastic mats, blankets, mosquito nets, jerry cans, water containers, water purification tablets, plastic sheetings, and Laundry soap

- Additional: Garbage bags, garbage bins, contraceptives.


Now i know most of you aren't from toronto, so you may be asking how you can help, the red cross is happy to take any financial donations and i assure you it will help. For those who are part of the FB community please dont hesitate to join this group and show some support by clicking here . To actually donate you can reach us at ketsanproject@gmail.com - just leave a name, contact info and we'll get back to you as soon as we can with more info as to where you can drop them off. For those who are in the GTA we are also hoping to do some fundraising events so be on the look out, and we'll hopefully see you there.

Now im heading back to Philippines in December, and i've made it my personal mission to see how things are progressing, as well as to keep people updated on how these things are helping. I would be personally blogging on my experiences in upcoming entries, and as well as taking pictures just so people can see what difference we really are making.

dot dot dot

I have talked to Peter Chham last night =]; and that was a great way to end my night. This guy is such an amazing guy. Even though sometimes I know that he has treated me unfairly. But truly, I don't really care; 'cause I still care about this guy. There is something about this individual that makes me not want to leave him. Even though he tried to convince me that I should, because he said staying wit him will hurt me even more; but I don't care, I've been through worse situations.He is a very unique person, and a very difficult person to understand, but some odd reason I'm the only person that he knows that fully understand; well that is what he said. But the truth is, most of the time I don't understand him, oh well.

It has been almost nine months since the last time I have seen him, and I truly do miss him. Remember all the wonderful moments that we have shared; watching iCarly, playing crazy eights, the days you tell me I am skinner than you're pinky finger ( everyone knows no one can be skinner than a pinky ) so you made me try all those different food, and many more. I would never forget them. I hope we will continue making wonderful and hilarious memories that I can cherish.

No Comment

I swear, when I first watched this video I couldn't stop laughing. :D

Glow in the Dark

Ever had that feeling of just exploring; exploring fantasies that conjure out of thin air, or fantasies brought on by an active imagination? Just craving for that somebody to touch you right, to feel the heat and connection radiating from both your bodies, intertwining movements moving to the rhythm of one heart beat. No judgements, no problems, no other thoughts of despair & pain, just you and that person; and at that moment it's if time has stopped - letting you enjoy every breathing second of his essence. His skin touches you, his lips tastes yours, and as his hands softly graze your thigh he paints an image of this straight sexual connection. You slowly crave for his voice to whisper your name, and as she gently places her hands on your face this climax of emotions of trust, warmth, and of just letting go erupts into pure beautiful motions. Both bodies working as one, forming the elaborate architecture of kama sutra impacting every crevice of pleasure familiarized by man. Every inch of both your bodies quiver, suddenly aware of just how sensitive each others touch seem to be, and excitement intensifies as both are engulfed by this sensual passion. Two different minds, same world, same moment; both bodies collapsing on top of another, slowly but forcefully both tremble in each others embrace.

balloon

There is always a time when you tell a story and you tend to touch it up a bit, adding small parts to it or leaving out certain things. We do this because we want to be the good person. Someone who stands out the most. The person who appears to be right. But whats so bad about being wrong? What is that makes us so scared to let go of that feeling which makes us happy to be right? What do you have to prove? Why cant you let another person have that feeling of happiness for once?


Remember when we were kids balloons were actually entertaining? I mean you could think of any game you can play with just balloons. So you would never want to let it fly away. So I was at a family party yesterday and all the little kids were outside playing with balloons. They were all happy and laughing playing with these balloons of different colours. But then one of the kids accidentally let his slip away and fly into the air. He was watching it fly farther and farther away. And so there he was, alone without a balloon while the others continued to play with theirs. The look on his face was so depressing. Think about it, to be the only one not having fun while the others did. He did the only thing he can do, he asked to play with the other kids balloons. Of course they refused because when your that age, why would you want to give up the one thing that makes you happy.


Happiness is all we look for, it's what keeps us going. Haven't you ever had that feeling when someone compliments you, you get that sense of what you just did was the right thing to do. So why can't the right thing to do, like giving up your balloon, make you happy? Shouldn't seeing other people happy make you happy in return? Or are you that proud to be happy all the time. We are afraid to let that side of us show, the side that shows our weakness. And so we tweak up the stories of our problems and we never admit that we're wrong.

You know it's not that bad to show some weakness. It's not gonna kill you. But we do need to to learn how to break ourselves down in order to grow. Because we all know the saying "learn from your mistakes" and sometimes our mistakes can be our own selves. So may you be wrong so that others can be right. May you show weakness so you can learn from your mistakes. May you break yourself down so you can grow to be a stronger person. And may you give up your balloon so that other people around you may have the chance to be happy.

... and I wonder

Somewhere along the line many of us women are led to believe that being pretty is enough. And while we rely on that, we forget to strengthen our minds so that we can learn how to think, how to build. How to survive. We forget how to live our lives to protect our spirit, to be clean and decent. We forget that everything we do matters so much.

Every right decision brings us blessings. Every wrong decision brings us pain.When we hate ourselves we destroy our bodies with alcohol, drugs, casual sex and a bunch of other nonsense. Then we look at ourselves and hate ourselves even more. And then, when times get hard, our struggle and our pain shows on our faces and our bodies. When people see our pain and weakness in our face they say, ' She used to be fine, she used to be this, she used to be that' aha...When men feel our beauty has faded we become shocked at how well they ignore us and forget us. Unfortunately women will do anything to get their attention,money,love....weak.

Wow, it has been this long.

Lately when I look around, all I've been seeing is couples everywhere. And this made me think. How come I can't find the right guy for me. It already has been 9 months since my recent ex-boyfriend broke up with me. I can't believe it; I have been single for that long. Usually I was able to get a new boyfriend less than maybe 3 months or so. But I guess not this time. I really don't know what to do with love anymore. Everytime I start liking someone, there is always something interfering for me to be with that individual.

I just can't really find the Mr. Right. I'm always getting heart broken and disappointed, and I'm fed up with it. I'm always been left crying, with no one to lean on. Or me liking some guy, but no I'm only consider a good friend. But you know what; I'm tired of waiting on the sideline. 'Cause that is all I been doing. I want to find the guy that likes me for who I am, but 'cause I have pretty big boobs for a filipina; but likes me for who I am. I'm also tired of all those guys that just leaves a girl hanging after finding out that she likes him. Girls have the right to be treated with respect, and not like garbage.

Well yeah, I really do miss being taken. Yes I know that when you are in a relationship you wouldn't have all the freedom in the world. like as when you are single; but I am willing to sacrifice that for someone. And I will be here waiting for the right guy to come along to appreciate me, and understand that I ain't perfect nor either as he. But fight together to the bitter end.

Overloved

I need to find somebody who can't sleep at night
Without holding me without holding me tight
I want someone who sees me all the time in their dreams
And then wakes up thinking just of me...
I want someone who can't wait to kiss me again
Even though it's been a minute since they last did
Want someone who loves love songs
And dedicates them to me
And two loving arms never out of reach...
Want someone to talk to me with talk so sweet
Want someone who's there to share their world with me
I've been too lonely for too many nights
This time I need someone here in my life
This time I want someone holding me tight
Been under kissed, under touched
Overloved Over needed
Over wanted Over missed when I'm away
Overloved Over dreamed of
Over cared about Over everything
I'd give anything to be overloved
I just wanna be Overloved
By someone who's over in love with me
Over kissed over touched over missed
Overloved

Not Anymore

Someone told me that "YOU DESERVE BETTER"
I say no fool I DESERVE THE FUCKING BEST!

"I've dried my eyes and I realized I deserve somebody that'll treat me right, Because I know my worth so you can keep that drama, I don't want it anymore; No more settling for less I'm looking for that kind of man that's gonna give his best 'cause I'm giving my best; A man that wants to cherish this and knows exactly how to move me; Not some little silly boy who wants my goodies 'cause he took me to the movies"

So Dead Tired

Wow! For the pass two days it has been so tiring. Going Downtown Toronto Friday night was kinda of a disappointment. I was suppose to watch a movie, but no Melchor and Kevin was to lazy to walk all the way to Paramount where the movie that I wanted to see was showing; we didn't even watch "UP". So we decided to go all the way to Scarborough, but the funny thing I didn't even end up chilling with them there, I just went went to met up with my friend Ryan at Kennedy Station. Me and Ryan was going to watch Hangover the movie, but that didn't happen as well because I was so hungry and we need to eat something before all the stores clothes and this was like at twelve at night. You know what sucks, that buses don't run at day and night. So that means that I was stranded at Scarborough yikes. As well that means I have to see Ryan's ugly face the next morning. I didn't even get any sleep that night and I needed to since I had work the next morning, 'cause someone has to move so much while he sleeps, but it's okay I guess.

Oh em gee, that morning was the most tiredest morning that I had in my whole life; that I know of. Missioning all the way back to Brampton at six o'clock in the morning. On the way back to Brampton I had to take the GO bus because I wouldn't be able to make it to work if I took the bus from Islington station, and I know that for a fact. When I got to the GO Bus station it was another upsetting moment. You want to know why? I had to fucking miss my bus by three minutes, so that means that I had to wait for the bus and the next bus was in fifty minutes. Luckily Ryan was so nice enough to wait with me for the bus. After that I had to spend more money on a taxi, it was such a smelly situation. The driver had such bad Body oder, it was so disturbing. Then finally I arrived home at nine fifteen. But, that wasn't the end of my tiring day. I had to go to work, starting at ten o'clock. But I need the money. Ordinary day at work and I was leaving early that day; since I suppose to have a dance performance, but that didn't happen because when I got hope from work I fell dead tired on my bed. My sisters knew I was sleeping and didn't bother wake me up when they were leaving the for performance, so I guess I didn't perform. It's okay anyways, I didn't know the dance. But yeah, that was my Friday and Saturday.

to all the ladies

This is for those girls, who fell back in love with their ex, only to get hurt all over again. Here's to all those girls who used to be his number one. The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning and be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened.

Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, I only want to be your friend, one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves and misses you. We deserve something, and this is our tribute. Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change.

We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time.

And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us. Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us.

We have learned to SETTLE for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated. Here's for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today. The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again. This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder "what if".

This is for the girls that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex girlfriend who cheated on him, and cried during the entire conversation. The ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. When he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn't mean it. This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with. This is for us girls, who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, and get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that "things were going too fast, he needs time."

Here's to the girls who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an "I told you so." The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, and their dreams again. We knew that we deserved better the entire time that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us.

We just wanted the one that we loved like that. Here's for the ones that FINALLY realized that he NEVER gave a crap about them. Here's for the time that he broke your heart again.This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. Here are for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door.

Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the crap he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to. One day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It's going to hurt like crap, and it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.

if i was the one

What should I do, I been gaining feelings for this guy that I shouldn't be. I always get myself into these worse scenarios, and I don't know why. I know it's wrong talking to him every night; knowing that he isn't mine, but some other girl's. But i can't help it; it's so hard. He has been my comfort for the past few weeks that i been talking to him, and he has this ability to put a smile on my face, no matter what struggles that I have going through that day.

Also lately, I have been in denial that I'm not jealous of his girlfriend. But, I have to stop lying to myself and accept the truth. I really can't help it anymore. He is just such a cute, funny, and a intelligent individual. But, I guess whatever happens happens.

Career Choices

Wow! I haven't wrote anything on this for the longest time.

Lately, I really been confuzzled with my life. Been bugged by my father about what I want to pursue in the future, and I'm still really trying to figure that out. I want to do nursing, but at the same time I want to own my own day spa. What should I do, I'm getting old; so that means that I have to figure this out soon or I'm going to become like my older lazy brother, and I don't want that to happen. But, I really hope I will figure myself out soon.

i don't know what to do anymore

lately, i been going through a lot. i'm slowing drifting away from my bestfriends, i'm trying my best not to. but, they are letting me do so. i finally confronted them, on how i felt pass these few days. but, i guess they just forgot everything i said to them. pass these few days, it makes me think if they really are my true friends or am i just their backup when they are really bored. 'cus that is how i really feel.

it all started when these guys came into the picture. made them forget that there was a third one of the sisters. making excuses to not chill, even though i all i wanted to do is see them because i miss them. but i guess they don't understand that i was will to pay a taxi man to see them. excluding me from plans or just making me feel like a fifth wheel.

even just yesterday, i was excited to see them after work because it haven't been just us three for like months. there always have to be a guy around. guess what happen, they just leave me to go to heartland. not realizing that i really wanted to chill with them. that really made me think of how important our friendship is to wards them.

now i'm really going to keep trying to make them realize what's happening. 'cause sooner or later if they don't realize and confront me, that makes me really don't know what to do about them.

L-M-F-A-O

DREAM

Dreams are wishes your heart makes. I have many dreams, ambitions, hopes, desires, but yet i don't know how to fulfil them. I find myself walking in circles. I walk around getting closer to nowhere. Things just never work and I don't know why. I guess you could say "things happen for a reason" Life's full of ups&downs, you gain and you lose. Times are rough for me rite now and I'm doing my best to pull through. I don't know where life's taking me but I'm going to play the cards given.Sometimes i wonder what's left for me, how much longer i can handle everything. I give so much effort to only be disappointed, but i keep getting back up and moving on. When will that person come and pull me up and move on along wit me?

never thought this would happen...

i find myself in a friendship that's drifting apart. i wouldn't expect this to happen between us. excluding me from plans, and lying to me in front of my face, all because of a guy. this conflict is making me emotional, but i can't help. i don't want to cry, but it really hurts inside. this is worse than braking up with your boyfriend. losing your girlfriends, friends that suppose to be there for the rest of your life. this is like one of my nightmares becoming reality.
i really just hope things will get better between us, before it's too late. because, i don't want to stop making wonderful and happy memories with them.

My Love

I have been broken and bruised, but never by my own hands.
This heart, torn by the actions of a boy tortured by his own insecurities,
unable to deal with his lack of manhood.

I have paid a great price, by women who are willing to accept less
Naive with their bodies, their emotions, their self-worth
Willing to sell a piece of their soul for the touch of a boy
still playing tag with people’s heart

I have walked in their shoes miles upon miles
Following tormented beings to no men – land
Where the footsteps of countless lost lovers
Have left a worn path walked in search for the one

I saw myself in these women, but my face no longer belongs in that crowd
I will no longer wear the skin that was kissed a million times
Only to bear the scars of his inadequate existence
My beauty will no longer be defined by him, by the words he whispered in my ear
With misconstrued and hidden motives

I was not meant to be bounded by the chains created
From every other girls longing to be needed and loved
I will never let this body be held by men
who’s hands are heavy with the stolen integrity of other women

I was meant to fly, beyond your selfish grip
Beyond your false reality painted to keep me caged
My existence was not meant to fill in the gaps of yours

You have taken every bit of me when you slept with her
Defaced that what was pure, my love.
You entangled my scent with hers,
Your body tattooed with the dirty little deeds
Your essence becoming drenched with all that is evil in this world

You could not have loved me like you insisted
You brought home the enemy into my world, my life, my bed
I should have known, I should have felt,
The deceit seeping through those seductive lips
The same ones that have left their invisible marks
Of infidelity on every crevice of my body

My soul deserves to be united with a man
Who’s dark world is not enveloped
By the delusions that he is too great
To love me respectfully and unconditionally

I found myself, in the journey of losing you.
Unburden my shoulders by the weight of your heartless body
Pinning me to a world I just did not belong to
Unwilling to fit the mould of insecure women
Who have lost themselves in the search of you

These bruises will heal, my love.
The torn pieces of this heart will bind once again
by the love I embrace myself with
Strengthen by the sound foundation of who I am
I was meant for more my love,
but you had already known that
And now, so do I.

Note to self

That's the main thing sweetie. You got to remember that shit happens. You got to suck up and get over it. You've won! you came a long way and here you are, finally letting your past "rest in peace". You really fought hard to be here, where you are today. No more fighting for no'one but yourself. No more setting by the phone and wait for a phone call that might come in a few seconds, hours or few days or ever never. Promise to not talk about him to your next. Realize what you have before it's done and gone. No'more crying; wasting the tears that counts, means nothing to them. The tears you dropped turned into nothing but a wasted of time. Theres time that you almost hit the ground; hit it fast and hard but all the love you've got from everyone wont even let you touch the ground. You have a story to tell; don't forget to tell your daughter, who will be so amazing like you , that when you got someone good, dont let ' em go. If they let go; set ' em free, and if it comes back then that's how you know it's "the one"...