My Story.....

First and foremost, this story isn't intended to directly attack you. Second, this story isn't about how you or how you feel for this is my side, my story. Third, this story is true and very personal so please...do not judge nor criticize for any decisions I've made for I am only human with good intentions. I would say that the reason why I'm expressing myself this way is maybe perhaps I'm not the only one who felt this way or experienced such unbearable, traumatic, and stressful situation. Fourth, I am not saying that there's no such thing as good people. You can interpret this as a comedy act or fiction. But again, this is not intended to hurt anyone. My story, my life, my experience.........


Think of this story as a movie called "Never Been Kissed" where a woman who has never been kissed but finds her prince in the end. A woman who has never loved before but criticized by many. Cute. Sweet you might say. But how often do you hear this in reality? Women in particular, how often do you see such fine man with good heart? We define the word love in various ways. Sometimes, it's hard to say what real love is. We might say things like "Love hurts. Love is blind. Love works in mysterious ways." Nevertheless, love always results in either two ways: happiness or emptiness.

We've all shared experiences where we left the ones we cared about because it has to be done or we left because we didn't feel the same way anymore. Either way, we will leave a bitter taste in that person's mouth. It hurts to say you care for someone because you are exposing yourself to vulnerability and weakness. Why do you think that is? Because of this ideology, people hide and not surrendering to their own fear: to care and actually love someone for a change. On the contrary, if two people did give in to their own true feelings...Why is there some kind of magnetic force field that you wish you could take it all back? Why all of a sudden the things that was all said and done quickly turns away from you?

I never quite understood the saying ,"the more you hate, the more you love". It puzzled me for awhile. But for me, i think it means the greater your capacity to love, the greater capacity to feel pain. What I'm trying to say is....that's my story. To have left with great pain and sorrow. But leaving an understanding as to what and how for a person can do for the sake of this so called love.

If you're reading this, thinking that this is about to get cheesy, well it is. I don't wish for you to waste your time looking at someone else agony. If its not your cup of tea...then c'est la vie!

For those who knows me well..it's true guys. I fell in love bad. So bad,, that I can't even find the right words to explain. It felt good when I had it. I never shamed it, nor frowned. As a matter of fact, I was quite content of all the things that he could offer- no matter how little it was...because i knew in the end..the sacrifices we've made for each other will be worth it.

I was wrong. My nightmare has just began.

With the words "my feelings towards you has tainted" continues to hunt me. Not only it drove me to fight for him...but it also had the capacity to drive me insane and eventually loose my self- respect. Late, rare, phone calls he made.. and I was there to his rescue- like a child to a mother. Meaningful words that was spoken thinking that everything was going to get better. The next day however.... leaving the house shameful, empty and worst from the worst.. In love with a man who has all the power on the palm of his hands that can bring me straight to hell. Of course at this time in my life, I was oblivious, blinded by my own fear of loosing him. I hate to say this...I've become something that I didn't want to be: a theatric puppet. A mere tiny molecules waiting for a certain chemical compound to be added to produce a chemical reaction.

I'm not proud to say..But this sort of theatric play went on for several months. I had to somehow find a way to get out of this endless cycle but I couldn't bring myself to find a way nor I wanted to find one. I've switched jobs (got a better one), new activities..No matter how much I wanted to leave..he'll always find a way to break my walls down and go straight to the heart where the pain starts all over again. Even though i had the ability to stop or walk away...I stayed foolishly because that's the only time I can feel again.

Don't get me wrong..I've tried to forget him in many possible ways I can. I focus in school, career, sports..Just something to fill my mind so I wouldn't be gathered by my own thoughts of him. And then I ask myself. "why the fuck do i still cry at night?". A good friend suggested that I wasn't embracing the pain. As a matter of fact, i was delaying the inevitable...embrace the pain now..cry now... because later on.. when you come across him again..you wouldn't hurt as much. Let time heal wounds. I guess at one point..he was right. I embraced all the pain and it didn't feel too good. I guess what he was trying to say is that i was so caught up denying my feelings that it made me hurt myself even more than before. I realize that I still care for him...but of course that didn't stop me from seeing him late at nights. LOL

Turn of events, a man from my past appears out of nowhere. A man with good heart, good head on his shoulders and up to this day, I still don't know why it didn't work out. We shared few laughs, shared stories, reminiscing...But by the end of the day...I turned my back on him. Then, all of a sudden I realize...I've become jaded and cynical. Nothing and no one seemed to be worth the time and effort. At this point, Ive become what I didn't want to be (other than being a puppet): a woman thinking like a man. What other choices did i have? Nothing. One night.... I had to to make a choice to walk away and I'll always remember what he told me..."Kirsel, you may not now this and I regret it from all these years. But I've kept everything and every experiences we had together and truthfully, I fell in love with you. I'm sorry to tell you this now. I should've told you sooner. And I hate to be some guy who didn't care. I never wanted you to feel that way about me. Most importantly, I'm sorry for what you've become".

Than of course, me being jaded decided that his words are so pathetic and dumb that I decided to disregard his words. I chose to walk away. When I say this man has a good heart...he was like Mother Teresa with the character of Will Smith on "Hitch". As much as I wanted to appreciate him for wearing his heart on his sleeves...the timing couldn't be more wrong. Readers you see..there are good people out there. Its just a matter of time before we all realize what we want.

It's sad to say this..But I let him walk away.

Without a doubt in my mind that he will find someone who's more suitable than I'll ever be. I was way too negative and couldn't bring myself to have him endure that kind of burden. He'll always be special to me. I wish you all the luck in the world...

Months after, a wise good friend of mine came to visit Shared some theories about life, philosophy, hardships..and of course love. I'll never forget his words because it literally cut me deep. From what I recall, he wanted me to do something. something that not a lot of people could do. He told me to "look inwards instead of outwards". I wasn't sure what he meant by this but he goes on clarifying: "the problem with people today. we are so focused on looking outward that we loose the ability to look inside ourselves. Krisel, you're going to have to look inside yourself. Believe me, It's not something you're going to like. You're going to hate what you've become. It's only a matter of time before you realize...and when you do...change it. Because you are going loose the ability to have happiness". Somewhere between those lines i found myself crying. I wasn't sure if they were tears of sadness and failure. All I know was it had to end somewhere.

As the cycle continues (at least once a week), I didn't realize that it went from bad to worst. I didn't realize that it was so bad until I saw another woman's clothes, perfume in his room. It was one of those snapshots that you can't help but to look at. As i gathered my things, I looked into his eye. It wasn't the eyes that I wanted to look at anymore. His eyes the night before were filled with passion, caring, and tears that made me tore my walls down and shares the same pain. but then again, I could've interpret that differently because of the alcohol and other sorts. I told him...

"______" I don't want to say goodbye. But then again, you're not even worth that meaning. You're a horrible human being and I regret every single moment I've spent with you. You are selfish, lack of respect and definitely not the person I fell in love with. You don't want me to think that you're an asshole but you haven't given me any reason to say so otherwise. All the words that was shared from the night before was just another fairy tale story in which you wanted me to live by. As much as I want to curse your name ever single day, I can never bring nor have the will power to cause evil. I never wanted to be that person who wished you the worst of the worst when all I ever wanted what was best for you. I thought you could understand that. But I guess how much I've tried several times to invest everything I have...it'll never be good enough for you. I may have hurt you as well, I live with that everyday. But I was willing and fighting for what was rightfully mine...and I've shown you what was missing with us...But that wasn't good enough either. You were always looking at different directions because you were afraid that I would be unfaithful to you...and by the end of it.... you were always the one that i should've been scared off... I'm walking into the altar of hell.. I have so much hatred and anger that I can no longer express it nor words to explain. I want to tell myself that I'm mad at you and how i resent everything about you. Trust is..I actually feel sorry for you. It must be sad to continuously lie to yourself and be proud of what you've done".



I'm only human of course, I said some curse words and there but who wouldn't??


And that was it...Looked at him...wanting to kiss him but had the courage not to. Gathered my stuff and walked out the house without looking back.

Going home feeling emptiness on a sunny day forced myself to look inwards. I've got to say.. it's disgusting. I've become cynical, negative  with no hope. That's when it hit me..I'm still here, coping; but better. It's one of those pain where you get stabbed with a knife and you carefully and slowly take it out of its wound. When it's out, you're glad that it's out - that kind of pain.


Up to this day, whenever in time you read this..Truth is.. I do love you unconditionally. for me, this is what I define unconditional for it goes great lengths; no matter how much it hurts, no matter how bad it is... there's still goodness beneath that cold exterior that apart of me would always want.









It's not something I'm proud of. I'm not ashamed. Nevertheless, sharing my story indicates that I'm no longer hiding from the dark. My intentions not to shame you...or show you my full hatred. This is my way to say..no matter how much it hurts to walk away...the thoughts of you still lingers in my mind and not a day where i stopped missing you. Caring..and loving you unconditionally. Just as i Promised you



for those of you who lifted me up, thank you for sucking out the negative energy outta me. I appreciate every single moments and I can never thank you enough. lending an ear, shoulder to lean on, a home to crawl to when everything seems to be upside down, guidance.. I appreciate every single thing and I'm very thankful for all of you

Three Special Words

I'm hella in love with Jaison, but not to the point that I will die for him. Thank goodness he feels the same way towards me. The other night we talking about who is going to say those three words first. So for sure I didn't want today first because what had happen to me in the past. So we both told each other that one of us is going to say it first. I constintly told him I wasn't going to be the one. So he said he will give me 100 reasons why I should say it. So that is what he did. But oh my goodness all of the reason were so similar to each other. For all those reason I was still not the first one that said "I Love You!" it was him. Right when he said it my heart just melted like a popscile on a hot summers day. He is the only guy that I have met so far that was will to understand what I go through and likes me for who I am and not what I can offer. Yes he had made me cry a couple of times; I don't really care. All I can say is that I'm in love with him.

Four Months Down

It already been four months between me and my boyfriend. Wow time sure do fly. But yeah baby

Happy Four Monthsary!

Chilling doing Shisha

The past two night me and my boyfriend been going to shisha at this place call Alexanders (well that is what I think it's called). Oh em gee, I think I should just go there more often instead of spending hella lot of money. It's so chilling that's all I can say. Just spending about ten dollars for three or four of flavoured coals. Well yeah my boyfriend is really getting addicted to shisha. I think I should buy him one for just a random gift, since he is an amazing boyfriend.

Shopping

When you go shopping, you look around from store to store to see if they have anything you might like. Some stores have absolutely nothing and other stores have a lot. But what happens when a new store catches your eye? You go inside to look around. Nothing. You exit the store. So the next time you pass by that same store you don't even bother to go inside. Why? Because it's not your style? How would you even know if you only went inside once?

So before there weren't many stores that I would go shopping in, probably only like two or three. H&M was one of those stores I would not go into. (I know crazy right?) I went inside once and didn't see myself wearing anything they had. I didn't think it was my style. Later on I decided to go inside because my friends were going there so I had no choice. To my surprise, I saw something I liked, and bought it. Since then H&M is now one of my favorite stores.

Much like how we treat brand new stores, brand new people are the same thing. We spend time with them once and if we don't like how they look or talk we decide to think that person is weird. And so the idea of good first impressions are suddenly important. If a person does not make a good first impression, we automatically have this idea of who that person is like. If we don't like it, we never talk to that person again, or at least try to. But once we actually get to know that person, we can see that a second or third chance isn't that bad of an option.

Always know this, we don't always like something just by first glance. We have to fully see whats in the store to fully appreciate what they have to offer. The store won't change their style for you to finally buy something, you have to change your style in order to like what the sell. So you shouldn't expect someone to change the way they look or act for you to like them, It's all up to you if you want to be their friend. And always remember that first impressions are always wrong, that's why we have second chances.

A story that reads like a prayer...

"Mack, if anything matters then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the word changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purpose are accomplished and nothing will ever be the same again."

Wm. Paul Young's "The Shack"

One of the most moving and greatest book that I've ever read so far. This will inspire and touch your heart in ways you can never imagine. In short i loved it and i would recommend this book to anyone, everyone. Especially to those who lost their faith and the ones who questions the presence of God.

From a Wise Man ... Bob Marley

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."

- Bob Marley

I never get tired of this quote.

So Scrumptious

Look what me and my sisters made. Doesn't it look so good.


Strawberry Chocolate Brownie

Falling For You...

Fallin' For You - Colbie Caillat

I don't know but
I think I maybe
Fallin' for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting 'til I
Know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

As I'm standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It's just you and me

I'm trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

Oh I just can't take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you
I think I'm fallin' for you

I can't stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can't hide it
I think I'm fallin' for you (x2)

I'm fallin' for you

Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh I'm fallin' for you

I am truly falling for my boyfriend. But I'm really scared, and I don't know what to do. When I think about I just end up thinking of what will happen if he did find out that I am falling in love with him. 'Cause I really don't want to get heart broken again. I been through that heart ache enough times.

Jaison to me is an AMAZING guy. I understand that he can be the biggest asshole in the world, but I don't care. All he is being is truthful and open minded. When I'm with him I feel like I don't have to hide anything, I can just be myself and joke around, without getting criticized. What I love about him is that he treats me like one of his boys. Well not really, but you should know what I mean. Like he doesn't exclude me. I can't explain the feeling that I get when I'm around that particular person, but all I got to say it's a wonderful feeling that I get every-time I think, see, or hear of him.

I guess it those things you have to know how I feel to understand what I am talking about. Because really I think I am falling for him. And really I hope he feels the same way towards me.

Mandarin and DnB

OH EM GEE! I has just a wonderful day today. All I say is that I was so satisfied with the buffet, and as well Dave n Busters had a good time feeling like a kid.



me (I look retarded) and sabrina


my baby so focused to get the bonus