My Story.....

First and foremost, this story isn't intended to directly attack you. Second, this story isn't about how you or how you feel for this is my side, my story. Third, this story is true and very personal so please...do not judge nor criticize for any decisions I've made for I am only human with good intentions. I would say that the reason why I'm expressing myself this way is maybe perhaps I'm not the only one who felt this way or experienced such unbearable, traumatic, and stressful situation. Fourth, I am not saying that there's no such thing as good people. You can interpret this as a comedy act or fiction. But again, this is not intended to hurt anyone. My story, my life, my experience.........


Think of this story as a movie called "Never Been Kissed" where a woman who has never been kissed but finds her prince in the end. A woman who has never loved before but criticized by many. Cute. Sweet you might say. But how often do you hear this in reality? Women in particular, how often do you see such fine man with good heart? We define the word love in various ways. Sometimes, it's hard to say what real love is. We might say things like "Love hurts. Love is blind. Love works in mysterious ways." Nevertheless, love always results in either two ways: happiness or emptiness.

We've all shared experiences where we left the ones we cared about because it has to be done or we left because we didn't feel the same way anymore. Either way, we will leave a bitter taste in that person's mouth. It hurts to say you care for someone because you are exposing yourself to vulnerability and weakness. Why do you think that is? Because of this ideology, people hide and not surrendering to their own fear: to care and actually love someone for a change. On the contrary, if two people did give in to their own true feelings...Why is there some kind of magnetic force field that you wish you could take it all back? Why all of a sudden the things that was all said and done quickly turns away from you?

I never quite understood the saying ,"the more you hate, the more you love". It puzzled me for awhile. But for me, i think it means the greater your capacity to love, the greater capacity to feel pain. What I'm trying to say is....that's my story. To have left with great pain and sorrow. But leaving an understanding as to what and how for a person can do for the sake of this so called love.

If you're reading this, thinking that this is about to get cheesy, well it is. I don't wish for you to waste your time looking at someone else agony. If its not your cup of tea...then c'est la vie!

For those who knows me well..it's true guys. I fell in love bad. So bad,, that I can't even find the right words to explain. It felt good when I had it. I never shamed it, nor frowned. As a matter of fact, I was quite content of all the things that he could offer- no matter how little it was...because i knew in the end..the sacrifices we've made for each other will be worth it.

I was wrong. My nightmare has just began.

With the words "my feelings towards you has tainted" continues to hunt me. Not only it drove me to fight for him...but it also had the capacity to drive me insane and eventually loose my self- respect. Late, rare, phone calls he made.. and I was there to his rescue- like a child to a mother. Meaningful words that was spoken thinking that everything was going to get better. The next day however.... leaving the house shameful, empty and worst from the worst.. In love with a man who has all the power on the palm of his hands that can bring me straight to hell. Of course at this time in my life, I was oblivious, blinded by my own fear of loosing him. I hate to say this...I've become something that I didn't want to be: a theatric puppet. A mere tiny molecules waiting for a certain chemical compound to be added to produce a chemical reaction.

I'm not proud to say..But this sort of theatric play went on for several months. I had to somehow find a way to get out of this endless cycle but I couldn't bring myself to find a way nor I wanted to find one. I've switched jobs (got a better one), new activities..No matter how much I wanted to leave..he'll always find a way to break my walls down and go straight to the heart where the pain starts all over again. Even though i had the ability to stop or walk away...I stayed foolishly because that's the only time I can feel again.

Don't get me wrong..I've tried to forget him in many possible ways I can. I focus in school, career, sports..Just something to fill my mind so I wouldn't be gathered by my own thoughts of him. And then I ask myself. "why the fuck do i still cry at night?". A good friend suggested that I wasn't embracing the pain. As a matter of fact, i was delaying the inevitable...embrace the pain now..cry now... because later on.. when you come across him again..you wouldn't hurt as much. Let time heal wounds. I guess at one point..he was right. I embraced all the pain and it didn't feel too good. I guess what he was trying to say is that i was so caught up denying my feelings that it made me hurt myself even more than before. I realize that I still care for him...but of course that didn't stop me from seeing him late at nights. LOL

Turn of events, a man from my past appears out of nowhere. A man with good heart, good head on his shoulders and up to this day, I still don't know why it didn't work out. We shared few laughs, shared stories, reminiscing...But by the end of the day...I turned my back on him. Then, all of a sudden I realize...I've become jaded and cynical. Nothing and no one seemed to be worth the time and effort. At this point, Ive become what I didn't want to be (other than being a puppet): a woman thinking like a man. What other choices did i have? Nothing. One night.... I had to to make a choice to walk away and I'll always remember what he told me..."Kirsel, you may not now this and I regret it from all these years. But I've kept everything and every experiences we had together and truthfully, I fell in love with you. I'm sorry to tell you this now. I should've told you sooner. And I hate to be some guy who didn't care. I never wanted you to feel that way about me. Most importantly, I'm sorry for what you've become".

Than of course, me being jaded decided that his words are so pathetic and dumb that I decided to disregard his words. I chose to walk away. When I say this man has a good heart...he was like Mother Teresa with the character of Will Smith on "Hitch". As much as I wanted to appreciate him for wearing his heart on his sleeves...the timing couldn't be more wrong. Readers you see..there are good people out there. Its just a matter of time before we all realize what we want.

It's sad to say this..But I let him walk away.

Without a doubt in my mind that he will find someone who's more suitable than I'll ever be. I was way too negative and couldn't bring myself to have him endure that kind of burden. He'll always be special to me. I wish you all the luck in the world...

Months after, a wise good friend of mine came to visit Shared some theories about life, philosophy, hardships..and of course love. I'll never forget his words because it literally cut me deep. From what I recall, he wanted me to do something. something that not a lot of people could do. He told me to "look inwards instead of outwards". I wasn't sure what he meant by this but he goes on clarifying: "the problem with people today. we are so focused on looking outward that we loose the ability to look inside ourselves. Krisel, you're going to have to look inside yourself. Believe me, It's not something you're going to like. You're going to hate what you've become. It's only a matter of time before you realize...and when you do...change it. Because you are going loose the ability to have happiness". Somewhere between those lines i found myself crying. I wasn't sure if they were tears of sadness and failure. All I know was it had to end somewhere.

As the cycle continues (at least once a week), I didn't realize that it went from bad to worst. I didn't realize that it was so bad until I saw another woman's clothes, perfume in his room. It was one of those snapshots that you can't help but to look at. As i gathered my things, I looked into his eye. It wasn't the eyes that I wanted to look at anymore. His eyes the night before were filled with passion, caring, and tears that made me tore my walls down and shares the same pain. but then again, I could've interpret that differently because of the alcohol and other sorts. I told him...

"______" I don't want to say goodbye. But then again, you're not even worth that meaning. You're a horrible human being and I regret every single moment I've spent with you. You are selfish, lack of respect and definitely not the person I fell in love with. You don't want me to think that you're an asshole but you haven't given me any reason to say so otherwise. All the words that was shared from the night before was just another fairy tale story in which you wanted me to live by. As much as I want to curse your name ever single day, I can never bring nor have the will power to cause evil. I never wanted to be that person who wished you the worst of the worst when all I ever wanted what was best for you. I thought you could understand that. But I guess how much I've tried several times to invest everything I have...it'll never be good enough for you. I may have hurt you as well, I live with that everyday. But I was willing and fighting for what was rightfully mine...and I've shown you what was missing with us...But that wasn't good enough either. You were always looking at different directions because you were afraid that I would be unfaithful to you...and by the end of it.... you were always the one that i should've been scared off... I'm walking into the altar of hell.. I have so much hatred and anger that I can no longer express it nor words to explain. I want to tell myself that I'm mad at you and how i resent everything about you. Trust is..I actually feel sorry for you. It must be sad to continuously lie to yourself and be proud of what you've done".



I'm only human of course, I said some curse words and there but who wouldn't??


And that was it...Looked at him...wanting to kiss him but had the courage not to. Gathered my stuff and walked out the house without looking back.

Going home feeling emptiness on a sunny day forced myself to look inwards. I've got to say.. it's disgusting. I've become cynical, negative  with no hope. That's when it hit me..I'm still here, coping; but better. It's one of those pain where you get stabbed with a knife and you carefully and slowly take it out of its wound. When it's out, you're glad that it's out - that kind of pain.


Up to this day, whenever in time you read this..Truth is.. I do love you unconditionally. for me, this is what I define unconditional for it goes great lengths; no matter how much it hurts, no matter how bad it is... there's still goodness beneath that cold exterior that apart of me would always want.









It's not something I'm proud of. I'm not ashamed. Nevertheless, sharing my story indicates that I'm no longer hiding from the dark. My intentions not to shame you...or show you my full hatred. This is my way to say..no matter how much it hurts to walk away...the thoughts of you still lingers in my mind and not a day where i stopped missing you. Caring..and loving you unconditionally. Just as i Promised you



for those of you who lifted me up, thank you for sucking out the negative energy outta me. I appreciate every single moments and I can never thank you enough. lending an ear, shoulder to lean on, a home to crawl to when everything seems to be upside down, guidance.. I appreciate every single thing and I'm very thankful for all of you